Armageddon has come. For a second day straight, the Earth has operated (ineffectively) without any World Cup action to appease the monotony of everything non-international football related.
In such testing times, we need to rally around those who provide the most comfort, the most lucidity, the most wisdom.
Mark Lawrenson has asked to see the manager in every single shop he’s ever been in.
— LFC Stanley House (@LFCStanleyHouse) July 3, 2018
Unfortunately, here at 90min we only have access* to Mark Lawrenson. Oh, well here he is. As usual, parentheses signify our interjections, and ML represents the one and only.
***WE DON'T. CLEARLY THIS IS A PARODY.
**
Before we start: UPDATE
Trousers I Wore in BBC STUDIO were from Wardrobe Dept as I left my Trousers in Hotel....Wouldn’t mind but they didn’t even fit..!! Wait until I see Dan Walker....壘
— Mark Lawrenson (@MTLawrenson) June 29, 2018
In light of this, we felt our journalistic integrity compelled us to uncover what really happened in trouser-gate once and for all. Here is the official transcript of our conversation.
[So, Mark, before we get to the drama of the last 16, we've got to ask, why didn't you give us this scoop last week?]
ML: Look, lads, no hard feelings, eh? If I'm being completely honest, the interweb's all the same to me. I could've just as well been sending it to you in an online mail letter as I was posting it on the tweeter.
[Ok, whatever you say. Obviously, the next question is, if you left your intended trousers at the hotel, what did you wear travelling to the studio?]
ML: A dressing gown.
[A silence so long that empires came and went ensued, before we finally returned to business. Who are you most gutted to see leave the competition? After briefly consulting some near illegible notes scrawled on his palm, he replied.]
I only go on twitter to read abuse of Mark Lawrenson commentaries.
— Murray Harvey (@muzz832) June 25, 2018
ML: Without a doubt, Switzerland. There's nothing like a good old fashioned tussle between two well oiled sides, fighting it out till the bitter end. Fantastic. Every single Swissman [?] on that pitch against [checks notes once more] Sweden was locked in...whatever that means. It was a blast.
[A more general one now - how would you compare Russia 2018 to tournaments of the past?]
ML: Eeeerrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmm, it's tough to say. Look, if I'm being completely honest, I'm getting slightly fed up with all this tactics malarkey. I mean, how much can you really know about football. It's just football. Don't get me wrong, I keep up with the game as much as the next bloke, but some of these modern managers know too much. It's not healthy. Have they got nought else to do? Get a life.
[Ok. So how would you compare that to other World Cups?]
ML: I've just told you. Do you not have ears or something, pal?
[With tempers flaring for the first time, we hesitated over our next question for fear of waking the best, but our sense of duty pulled us through. What have you made of VAR so far?]
ML: OH F#@K OFF
[Lawro stormed out, throwing his chair to the ground as he left. We let him settle for an hour or so, before apologising profusely over text and begging him to answer one more question. After agreeing to buy him two new pairs of trousers and the 2018/19 Preston North End kit, he relented, and we proceeded - who's your player of the tournament going into the quarter finals?]
ML: Benjamin Pavard. I've always rated him.