The whole premise of cinema is that we can all fall in love with fake scenarios that are only made up to take people's money from them. Footballing films are exactly that. We don't watch them because we think it will be a critically acclaimed masterpiece, we just want to watch some really crazy soccer being played out on stupidly unrealistic terms.
So how about a knock up of a team made from the best players from the best footballing films in existence?
Screw yer Avengers, yer Suicide Squads and yer Justice Leagues. Here's a starting lineup made solely out of characters from badly made yet lovable(?) football films. We haven't come up with a name for it yet. Probably something like, the Hollywood Hornets, or some other alliterative play on cinema related words. Suggestions are welcome, but they'll definitely play in MLS.
Oh by the way, ever heard of films based around full backs? Me neither, and I've done the research. So we're going with a very Johan Cruyff inspired 3-4-1-2 formation. TOTAL FOOTBALL.
1. Goalkeeper: The Monk (Mean Machine)
What more could you want between the sticks than a Scottish Jason Statham?
The beautifully named Monk is said to have killed 23 men with his bare hands (before he took up karate), and could've turned pro before he turned mad - two actual lines from the film there.
Sure, the Monk is a little unpredictable in rushing off his line and drop kicking wardens between the thighs, but his plethora of mixed martial arts makes for outrageous shot stopping capabilities.
Also, everyone loves Jason Statham.
2. Centre Back: Capt. John Colby (Escape to Victory)
Michael Caine's character in the 1981 classic Escape to Victory was the driving force behind the Allies' exhibition match with their Nazi guards, and the leadership shown by Colby throughout the film is the very reason why he's our captain in this make shift squad of misfits.
The man was 49 by the time Escape hit the big screens and there's no way he could operate as a left back (presumably his position, seeing as he wears the number 3 in the film). But his 6'2 stature and calm nature make him the perfect centre half.
3. Centre Back: Light Weight (Shaolin Soccer)
Our ball playing defender. Light Weight's name is rather ironic considering the centre back's sumo-like build, but the man can kick a ball.
The entire character list in Shaolin Soccer is pretty much unfair considering the entire film is different snippets of that beautifully over dramatic, flying karate, oriental cinematography that simply boggles the mind.
A great watch nevertheless, and at one point Light Weight literally traps the ball between his ankles and jumps over a man mid-game. Deserved spot in the squad.
And yes, that is him 30 feet in the air heading a ball. Dominant.
4. Centre Back: Raj (Mean Machine)
When you think of starting XI's, Omid Djalili doesn't exactly spring to mind. However, everyone in every team has a role - and he's our enforcer.
You ever tried being marked by Raj in the box? Don't. You'll lose. He's not the tallest, but the bloke has a great leap on him, and the lack of hair on his head means that wind resistance is a myth to our sweeper; once he get's going there's absolutely no breaks on this train.
Prone to a red card but, realistically, who isn't? Pure, unadulterated PASHUN.
5. Right Wing: Corporal Luis Fernandez (Escape to Victory)
Some can call this use of Pele cheating, others can call this a clever use of the right wing - a position filled by Corporal Luis Fernandez, German prisoner of war from Trinidad and Tobago.
Elevate your minds, people. This is the magical world of cinema. If Hugh Jackman can be both Wolverine and Jean Valjean, then you best believe that Pele can be in this team.
This absolute wizard Luis stuck an overhead kick in the bottom right corner WITH A BROKEN ARM. You know he means business.
Side note - although there are varying reports, Pele is believed to have manager that shot in the very first take. Legend.
6. Centre Midfield: Danny Meehan (Mean Machine)
You know when they say that if you text whilst you drive, you become bad at both? It's a bit like Vinnie Jones' career. Granted, he didn't make the move to Hollywood whilst still playing football, but he's just a little bit mediocre at both.
However, Mean Machine is where he excels. A typical hard man, playing a retired footballing convict suits him down to the ground, and that never say die attitude displayed throughout the movie makes him perfect for our midifled.
Oozing class (in comparison to some others in the team), Meehan will heel flick a ball over your head right before grabbing your nuts. The perfect man in the engine room.
7. Centre Midfield: Jules (Bend It Like Beckham)
Who said this team has to be full of men? Not me. It's 2018 you cavemen, get with the times.
What more could you want in a team than a Copa Mundial wielding Keira Knightly?
Jules manages to elevate Hounslow Harriers with her footballing ability, only for some random girl whose only experience of the game is by knocking a ball about in a park to come and steal all of her thunder.
The real star of Bend it Like Beckham - she's the best player, captain of the side, mediator between the coach and the squad, and even the bloody scout.
Don't worry Keira, while Jess might have everyone else fooled, we know that you're the real star of the team.
8. Left Wing: Gian Pierro (Kicking and Screaming)
Like an even smaller Philippe Coutinho back in his Inter days, Gian Pierro's lethal right foot is something to behold.
Cutting in from the left, there's a reason why Will Ferrell spent the entirety of Kicking and Screaming telling his players to pass to the Italians (let's just ignore the fact that Gian Pierro had a brother, Massimo, who's just as good).
Anyone that can juggle a lettuce deserves a spot in the team... even if they're 10.
9. Attacking Midfield: Santiago Munez (Goal)
Listen, the Goal! films may have gone down like three lead balloons, but they did give us the Mexican boy wonder Santiago Munez.
That's right, the Real Madrid bench warmer who couldn't even make Mexico's World Cup squad (due to injury, but still) is made out to be one of the brightest talents in the trilogy, despite actor Kuno Becker's quite obvious inability to kick a ball in real life.
After the first instalment, Munez finally learns to pass, and rather than scoring in the big games, the emphasis is firmly put on his assists. So here's your playmaker, ladies and gentlemen.
10. Striker: Jimmy Muir (When Saturday Comes)
Jimmy Muir, the teenage Sheffield United prodigy that looks strangely similar to a 37-year-old Sean Bean, has quite possibly the world's worst work ethic in When Saturday Comes, but boy can he score goals.
Only real, gritty, physical, hold up play strikers appear for Sheffield United, and don't you know that the stubbly Sean Bea-Jimmy Muir belongs there.
Spoilers he dies at the end of the film. Joking, he doesn't, this is the one film where Bean's character doesn't die. Which is good, seeing as he's made the team and all that.
11. Striker: Jacquard (The Pink Panther)
Wait, what?! The Pink Panther is a football film?!
No, it's not, but France striker Jacquard deserves a place in the team for some absolute wizardry in some made up international cup competition - probably the World Cup or something.
The best players only have one name, like Ronaldinho, Zico and Madonna. The man pulls of some nutty backflip overhead kick hybrid that sends the stadium into raptures - including his manager, Jason Statham, or in sticking with the theme - a rehabilitated Monk. In fact, Monk dies there and then on the spot. It's quite weird, but it goes to show just how incredible that goal was. He killed 23 men with his bare hands remember - must've been some goal.
What a team.
A psychotic Jason Statham in goal, a sweeping Omid Djalili in the heart of defence, a young Keira Knightly marauding the middle of the park, and Sean Bean up top. Only Mike Bassett could've called these players up.
It's been emotional, chaps.