Dear Bild and Germans in general,
We noted with some interest your list of concessions offered on the condition that the United Kingdom votes to remain as part of the European Union.
In the spirit of the failed negotiations which got us into this mess, Goal UK would like to respond with a list of additional demands which - if met - should prove sufficient to convince our electorate to stay.
Thanks for agreeing that Geoff Hurst's glorious, legitimate goal in the 1966 World Cup final was sound. Of course it was, just ask our friends in Russia. But at the 2010 World Cup, Frank Lampard scored for England against Germany in the last 16. If that goal in '66 counts, so should this. After all, it was an actual, real goal. Not to say Hurst's was not. Of course. We'll take the semi-final place and the added confidence that would no doubt have seen England become the dominant force in world football. Thanks.
As you know, our royal family is actually German. It was only in 1917 when King George V abandoned his family dynasty's name - the House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha - for the Anglicised 'Windsor'. Therefore, Germans, they are YOUR royal family too. Not only must you recognise Queen Elizabeth as YOUR queen, but you must accept Prince Harry as YOUR clown prince and the Corgis as YOUR irritating little hounds. And so you must sing 'God Save The Queen' before every international football match, thus giving the English at least the illusion of football success. You do get a benefit in the form of the Middleton Family, allowing you to enjoy Kate and Pippa as your own.
Please stop reminding us about that time he went to a Nazi funeral. In fact, you can just have him. We can offer you something in return...
As you pointed out, we don't reserve our sunbeds, we are terrible at using lotion and we are generally loutish and rude to foreigners. Teach us to be better. Help us be organised. Show us all your tricks and cunning methods. And in the spirit of 'ever closer union', why don't you apply the sun cream to our backs? Not at all creepy.
This may seem rich given the humourless tone of the referendum, but we are generally funnier than you, just as you are generally better at football. As such, the following must be taught in all European schools as part of a reformed EU educational directive: Monty Python, The Office, Four Lions, The Day Today, A Fish Called Wanda, In The Loop, BrassEye, Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and the Full Monty. That should sort you out.
Self-explanatory. It's the 'holding our nerve' part we struggle with the most. Something about an inferiority complex.
See above.
We Brits learned long ago to embrace immigration as and when it suits us, particularly with regards to our cuisine. We long accepted that pie & mash, jellied eels, deep-fried fish and everything with chips can be amusing on occasion but are fundamentally gross. As such our national dish is Indian curry, our preferred drink is French wine and our favourite fast foods are American. Let it go. Bratwurst is gross. Cabbage smells funny. Embrace the kebab.
With the exception of your extreme techno and doom metal, your music sucks. You know this, we know this and Billboard knows it. Just pretend to be American like everyone else.
We realise we've asked a lot of you. We know some of this will be difficult for you to accept. But there is one thing we can give you in return - we will never, under no circumstances or under any duress, ever mention the war again. It's over. It's done. No 'two world wars and one World Cup'. No '10 German bombers'. No 'we will fight them on the beaches'. It's over. We won't do it again, Scout's honour.
...
- Goal